Paranormal Activity….poltershite

I’ve rarely been as excited to see a film than I was with Paranormal Activity. I loved the trailer, the marketing campaign and the buzz surrounding it. I couldn’t wait for my intestines to be fried by this scream-fest.

…and then I watched it.

…and I waited.

…and waited.

…and waited.

…then the credits rolled.

What the fuck? Talk about one almighty wasted opportunity. The premise was rock solid, the slow burn tension was building nicely and then nothing happened. It kept building and building without any hint of a payoff. Many may argue that the ending was the big payoff, but for me, I was over the whole thing by then. There was nothing to keep me creeped out enough to care about the ending. It takes more than a lame-arse Exorcist style subplot to get my juices flowing. Geez, give me a break guys. Is that the best you could come up with?

Technically speaking, I have no complaints. The film was incredibly well made given its minuscule budget. Like I said, everything was in place to make this one of the most terrifying cinematic experiences of all time but it was all tease with no follow-through. What a damn shame.

To compare Paranormal Activity to The Blair Witch Project is like comparing Led Zeppelin to Nickelback. One is so ridiculously superior to the other that it is almost comical. Blair Witch began by building similar tension to Paranormal Activity but it managed to litter its plot with some genuinely gut-wrenching moments; the shaking tent, the missing camera guy, the piles of stones, the severed finger….unlike Paranormal Activity it didn’t simply rely on its shock finale.

The tragedy is that with a few simple tweaks, Paranormal Activity could have included more of these moments without having to increase its budget at all. Instead it chose the minimalist route and gave us the tiniest of morsels in an attempt to keep us interested. From where I sat, it failed miserably doing this. A moving door, a few footsteps…meh! So what?

Paranormal Activity is the biggest letdown in years.

Moon….Sam Rocks Well

Moon is a curious beast that came from nowhere and turns out to be one hell of a brilliant science fiction mindfuck. First time director Duncan Jones has created a nifty little film that may well go down as a sci-fi classic. It tells the story of Sam Bell, a lunar-miner approaching the end of his 3 year contract in a very lonely outpost on the moon. With only artificial intelligence to keep him company in the form of a robot named Gerty, Sam is keen to get back to his wife and daughter. To reveal much more would be a sin, as Moon is best enjoyed going in completely blind.

I wasn’t going to mention it, as it really isn’t relevant, but director Duncan Jones is actually more popularly known as Zowie Bowie, son of David Bowie. Sorry Duncan, I know you probably wanted to keep that under wraps and make your own mark in the world outside of daddy’s shadow. I applaud the guy for trying to hide his famous name, and I hate myself for being yet another nerdy blogshit artist to reveal his true identity. Out of respect, I’ll do my best to keep the rest of this review “Bowie-free” from here on in….what I will say is that “Moon” is a cracking little Space Oddity involving a Man Who Sold the World to live like a Spider From Mars in outer space. Sam Rockwell becomes Under Pressure when he notices some bizarre Ch-Ch-Changes taking place which force him to Rebel, Rebel against All the Young Dudes at Ground Control.

Damn, I couldn’t resist.

Sam Rockwell. Well, this is a one man show all the way and very few actors would be able to convey the depth of emotion and inner struggle that Rockwell does so well in this. There is an online petition doing the rounds that is asking for Rockwell to be nominated for an Oscar for this role. Consider my name added to that petition. After watching this great, thought provoking Sci-Fi, I’m sure you’ll also want to add yours.

Surrogates…..Sci-Fi Bruce Let Loose.

Look, I know it isn’t a perfect film. I can see it has its flaws, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t have a blast watching Surrogates. Films like this, that have such rich Sc-fi narratives, are approached with such caution these days. Many viewers go into them with knives out and end up dismissing them as being ridiculous based on their premise. The same problem occurs with many horror films. 90 per cent of them are discarded as inferior rip-offs of classic works, and it’s true that a film like Surrogates does “borrow” ideas from other sci-fi films and books from the past, but it delivers these borrowed ideas in such an entertaining package that it’s difficult to dismiss it as mere junk without giving it a chance.

And that is the key with Surrogates, you’ve got to go into the thing with an open mind. Don’t think too much about it, and you will get the most out of it.

For me, I get a kick out of watching Bruce Willis in anything. It’s my belief, that of all the big-name actors of the last 20 years, time will show Bruce Willis the most respect. His career will be looked back on as one of the more diverse and interesting compared to other actors of his generation. Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, The Sixth Sense, Twelve Monkeys….that’s a pretty intense resume right there. Sure, he’s done some duds, but he’s always been worth watching, and more importantly he is very rarely boring.

Surrogates throws up some really cool action and some even cooler sci-fi concepts. While it may not be overly memorable, it is 90 minutes of pure entertainment that I would recommend to anyone looking for some good old fashioned cinematic escapism.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince….another Potter endurance test

I tried, I really did. I gave it my best shot. I wanted so bad to leave my preconceived notions of the Harry Potter phenomenon at the door and attempt to enjoy this film without letting my all-too predictable cynicism creep in. I walked into this latest installment feeling like a veteran. I’d painfully endured all five of the previous films, and after each one I came away feeling numb, confused and alone. All around me were people praising the brilliance of the Harry Potter universe. Millions were flocking to see these movies. Box office records were being smashed…..and there I was….feeling left out, ignored, banished to the corner like an acne-ridden, red-headed fat kid at a school dance. What was I missing? The only thing I was getting from these films was some shut-eye and a serious case of boredom.

Well that’s it! Enough is enough. It’s time to call a spade a spade. Ok, here I go…I’m going to say it….get ready……HARRY POTTER MOVIES SUCK!! Phew, that feels good.

Oh yeah, they look pretty enough, and they may easily rope you in with their dazzling special effects and deceiving dark and spooky visuals, but beyond that fluff there is bugger-all reason to keep watching. Why should we care about this pubescent twat in Lennon glasses waving a wand? Beats me. If this dude is “the chosen one” as everyone says he is (including himself) why are we subjected to so much false suspense if it’s all mapped out for him. Just defeat your nemesis and let’s all have an early mark.

Can someone just answer me this; Is this nonsense aimed at kids or adults? From where I’m standing it is way too dark to allow kids to watch it, and way too hollow and dull for any adult with taste to take it seriously. What kind of heartless, sadistic parent would drag their young kids to the cinema and make them sit through a film containing spooky visuals, creepy characters and a deformed, nasty antagonist? Not to mention a downbeat, depressing finale concerning the death of a lovable character. They might as well gather the family together and watch the torture-porn fun of Saw 6 in the cinema next door.

This may all be excusable if these films didn’t take themselves so damn seriously. Each successive Harry Potter film seems to be lacking more humor than the last and becoming one very long, grim and dreary experience.

One final thing and then my rant will be complete…..who the hell edits these films? Is there even an editor employed on the project? Half-Blood Prince runs for a whopping 153 arse-numbing minutes! This isn’t even the longest in the series! I’ve even heard people complain that alot was left out of the movie that was in the book. Well, all I can say to that is a resounding, “Thank Christ!”.

Remember when family films were short? Bambi-70 minutes, The Lion King – 89 Minutes, The Princess Bride – 98 minutes. Even The Wizard of Oz, a film considered quite long for a family film was only 100 minutes. Very few films need to be 153 damn minutes! This aint Schindler’s List, it’s a story about a young squirt with a magic wand. I’ll tell you this much, if I was allowed into the editing suite to work on this film it would be retitled, Harry Potter and the Cut-In-Half Blood Prince and the credits would roll before you had a chance to finish your popcorn.

I’ve listened patiently for a long time as all you Harry Potter fans rave about these movies. You Pott-heads must be under some kind of Hogwarts spell to be so blind to the fact that these films are nothing more than overlong, tedious and self-indulgent snooze-fests. Don’t be afraid, it’s ok to admit the movies suck, even if you love the books. I’m sure the books are great, but they should have been left as books only.

I’m just grateful there is only one more film to go.

Whatever Works….Curb Your Woody Allenism

Whatever Works has all the trappings of a great Woody Allen film; New York locations, a witty script, an interesting cast and even a somewhat dubious older man/younger woman relationship thrown in for good measure. This time, Woody’s neurotic alter ego is played by Larry David – possibly the only performer alive right now who could sufficiently capture the insecurities, awkwardness and cynicism of Woody himself.

After four films shot outside his native New York, one of which being the pretty damn superb Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody’s return to his native roots is also a return to his earlier style of films. There is certainly an Annie Hall vibe to Whatever Works, albeit with a more morbid, less fanciful edge. Unfortunately, whilst offering up some decent belly laughs and some good moments, this is Woody Allen in neutral. Not really one of his most memorable, but far from one of his worst.

Being a huge fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I nearly fell off my chair when I heard Larry David was to star in the next Woody Allen film. My excitement was coupled with a sense of trepidation about whether or not Mr David could pull this off. Here’s a guy that excels in the non-scripted, over-the-top style of Curb, how would he cope having to deliver Woody Allen’s dialogue? Admittedly, at first his performance seems stilted, but as the film progresses he takes total control of his character to the point where he becomes not only likable but almost lovable.

Whatever Works feels more like a theater production than a feature film, but with some delicious characters played by the likes of Patricia Clarkson and Ed Begley Jr, any annoyance this causes is overlooked by its charm. Sure, alot of the dialogue seems more unnatural and forced than other Woody Allen films, but there’s a nice little philosophy underlying the story that keeps things interesting throughout.

While the ending feels a tad too “neat” for my liking, there’s alot to enjoy in this film. For those looking to offset the big budget numbness of the Transformer 2’s and GI Joe’s clogging up the multiplex’s out there and get back to simple, enjoyable movie-making with some intellect, you could do alot worse than Whatever Works.

The Taking of Pelham 123….another derailed remake

Here’s a unique idea: Take a classic 1970’s action movie and remake it in the style of an unrealistic, overblown late 80’s/early 90’s action movie. Yep, the 2009 version of The Taking of Pelham 123 is a rare beast; an update that feels retro. This junk would sit nicely alongside other Travolta action throwaways like Face/Off and Broken Arrow. It’s the kind of film that will have you saying to yourself throughout, “Dude, that would never happen in real life”

For those in the mood for a flick that doesn’t trouble your brain for a couple of hours, Pelham might be your train to catch. There is enough pace and action to keep you awake throughout, but it’s hardly worth forking out your hard earned cash for this nonsense. You’d be better off hiring out Under Siege 2, another train-set action film starring Steven Segal. Sure, it’s crap, but as crap goes, I’d argue it is less crap than this crap.

Crapity crap crap.

I don’t wanna dump on John Travolta, I know the guy is going through a rough time lately, but someone should nudge him in the chops and tell him to go easy on the “tough-guy” roles. “Bad-Travolta” went out of style with Hyper-color T-shirts as far as I’m concerned. The dude is way too likable to be continuing with his cheesy over-the-top hard-arse persona in these movies. There, I said it.

I wasn’t the hugest fan of the original Taking of Pelham, but it does serve up a certain 70’s charm and flash (and it’s hard dislike anything with Walter Matthau in it) so I didn’t greet the idea of a remake with the usual groan. Infact, in the right hands it could have been an interesting update, but Tony Scott provides too much dazzle and not enough grit in this 2009 version, culminating in by-the-numbers performances, lame dialogue, and action scenes so predictable you could set your watch to them.

The overall result? A completely forgettable action flick for easily-pleased meatheads who know no better.

Pirate Radio (AKA:The Boat That Rocked)……torpedo this ship and buy the soundtrack

The Boat That Rocked is one seriously lame excuse to play some very cool tunes. With a story that feels like it is being made up as it goes along, you’d be better off walking right by the DVD and picking up the CD instead.

The cast is cool, the production team are top notch but they culminate to create one of the most contrived pieces of nonsense I’ve had to endure for a long time. Richard Curtis…dude, I love some of your past work, I could never be too hard on you as most of my youth was spent watching episodes of Blackadder, but man, you really know how to turn up the schmaltz when you want to. Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill, Love Actually…you teetered on the edge of over-sentimentality in these films but managed to keep them undeniably fun and entertaining. The Boat That Rocked sees you completely failing to rein in the cheese.

Enough beating around the bush, I hated this damn film. I hated how it tried to manufacture a fun and crazy vibe with its cliche characters and completely predictable situations. It was supposed to capture the look and feel of the time, but felt really forced and paper thin. I’m sure the cast and crew had a blast while they made it but there was nothing for the audience to latch onto beyond the toe-tapping soundtrack.

Worst of all, the damn film just wouldn’t end! I was ready to forgive it as a throwaway bit of silliness after 90 minutes, but the friggin thing went on and on like a crippled vessel stranded in the Pacific. After 135 minutes I’d lost my sea legs and was keeled over the stern heaving my dinner overboard.

Just lame, contrived and unnecessary.

(500) Days of Summer…..getting dumped was never this much fun!

500 days of summer depressed me greatly. Not because of its story or its characters, but because it was just so damn good. As someone who has always held hopes of one day creating my own small contribution to the world of cinema, 500 Days of Summer is like the punch in the stomach that knocks you down and tells you how comparatively lame and uncreative you really are. It’s one of those movies filled with great little moments that prompt you to repeatedly shake your head and ask, “why didn’t I think of that?”.

For a start, the film flips the concept of romantic comedies and creates something we can relate to. Christ knows the world can do without another Sandra Bullock, Matthew McConaughey or Katherine Heigl-style romantic comedy…year after year, that genre has been continuously drained of any charm it once possessed from its glory days, back when a guy named Harry met a gal named Sally. Ever since then we have had to endure some of the most retarded, humorless and arse-stinkingly vile pieces of vomit-inducing nonsense ever to be put onto celluloid.

This woefully overpopulated genre known as the “Rom-Com” has needed an injection of life for a long time and maybe a film like 500 Days of Summer will blow away some of its cobwebs. For this is not a film about finding love so much as a story about being dumped. It’s happened to so many of us, but is something that so few films explore in any serious detail.

Anyone who hasn’t checked out some of the films on Joseph Gordon-Levett’s resume needs to drop everything and run to Blockbuster right away. This kid is great and has somehow managed to avoid being thrust into obscurity after his stint on a long running sitcom to become one of the most interesting and watchable faces on screen these days. I suggest you hire out the films “Brick” and “The Lookout” to get a good feel for his talent. This dude is certainly set to be one of the greats.

While Zooey Deschanel doesn’t evoke as much fanfare from me (dude, she was in The Happening for christ’s sake…unforgivable), she does fit her part perfectly and displays just the right amount of charm and puppy-eyed cuteness in 500 Days of Summer.

As for director Marc Webb….where the hell did this guy come from? A couple of lame music video’s and suddenly you are hired to direct one of the best films of the year? Huh? I don’t get it, but I’m happy to put my confusion aside and congratulate the dude for a job well done.

There is a certain quirkiness to 500 Days of Summer that may be too much for some, but it manages to stay within the realms of good taste with its clever script and strong performances. There is one character that almost let down the whole film for me…it was our hero’s kid sister who had obviously graduated from the Dakota Fanning school of having a ridiculous amount of maturity and intelligence for a pre-teen girl. Watching her give love and life advice to her older brother was just silly and undermined the film somewhat. So many recent films have tread this path. Why not let kids be kids?

Small issues aside, 500 Days of Summer is alot of fun and possesses a genuine feeling of originality that makes it undeniably likable and dare I say, perhaps even memorable.

District 9……Alien Revelation!

Naysayers are going to tell you that District 9 is a flawed movie with intergalactic sized plot holes. To hell with those party poopers! District 9 is a blast from start to finish. A thrill ride with sharp satire, great performances and surprising depth. What’s more, it has some of the most impressive and well-executed CGI these weary eyes has ever seen.

Like a baseball bat to the balls, District 9 has you sitting up and taking notice from the first frame and doesn’t let go of you until the credits roll. In some ways, it can be compared to 1997’s Starship Troopers, both films share a satirical edge and both films are not afraid to serve up some good old fashioned blood-splatter. I can’t remember the last film I wanted to turn around and watch for a second time straight after it finished. Damn, even the Lord of the Rings films needed a bit of air between them before diving in for a second viewing, but District 9 provides a cinematic buzz severely lacking these days and had this celluloid junkie hungry for more. I freakin loved it.

Plot holes? Damn right it has plot holes. A couple of hours after watching it you may find yourself stopping in the street and saying, “Hey! Hang on…” But for a film that provides so much in other departments, I’m more than willing to let it off the hook. Suspension of disbelief is all part of the game with good science fiction. So what if you may have to suspend a little more disbelief than usual with certain aspects of District 9? You’ll be richly rewarded for doing so.

There’s so much kick-arse action and edge-of-seat tension seeping through the pores of District 9 that it seriously feels like one of the best adrenaline ride’s of the last ten years. With an obvious sequel set-up to boot, this could could be a franchise contender the likes of which we haven’t seen since Ridley Scott’s Alien and James Cameron’s Aliens.

Let’s you and me make a pact right now. Let’s agree to punch in the nose anyone we encounter who nit-picks this film, calling it overrated and shallow and deconstructing the implausibility of its narrative. Let’s not let these sad fucks bring us down and force us to over-analyze District 9. This is a film we need to cherish and enjoy, not write a thesis about.

District 9 is cinematic heroin and I want another hit before the buzz wears off.

Bruno…..Lacks Borat’s Bite

I gotta say it. I think Sacha Baron Cohen really dropped the ball with Bruno. Sure, it has laughs, a couple of decent sized ones too, but a lot of the jokes are derived from such over-the-top crassness that it almost comes off as being too damn easy. You flash a swinging penis or a massive dildo on the screen and of course you are going to get a reaction from a packed cinema, but that’s hardly groundbreaking comedy.

I think most of the blame comes down to the character of Bruno himself. Let’s be honest, an overtly-flamboyant homosexual ain’t exactly an original comedic figure, and deep down I had the feeling Baron-Cohen may have known this. Instead of rounding the character out into something unique, he chose instead to go hellbent on pushing the boundaries of taste to breaking point.

In other words, the humor that ridiculed American society so well in Borat, is overshadowed by the swinging nobs and anal insertions in Bruno.

The most powerful moment in the film occurs when Bruno interviews parents of toddlers for a proposed photo shoot he has planned. The willingness that these parents show to have their kids chosen for the shoot, at any cost, becomes far more disturbing than amusing.

The laughs in the movie are based purely on elements of “cringe-comedy” and strangely, some of the more “set-up” moments where unknowing victims are confronted by Bruno’s antics are the least successful, leaving us feeling strangely sorry for these poor sods.

But the true irony of Bruno lies in Baron Cohen’s attempts at exposing America’s prejudices towards homosexuality, whilst all the while portraying Bruno as a pretty despicable homosexual stereotype. Was I the only one who felt this?

Look, I’m no prude. I love me some dirty, crass, balls-out comedy, but this just felt forced for me. This is a film that works best in a crowded cinema. I fear its flaws are going to shine through when the DVD hits and people watching in their lounge rooms don’t have the rousing audience around them to support the gags.

I was a big fan of Borat, and I remain a fan of Sacha Baron Cohen, but I’m going to mark Bruno down as an unfortunate misfire.